“Why do people keep repeating the same self-destructive behavior? To answer (this) question, I would compare the character… to a shell. To step out of a character is like being born, more accurately, reborn. For a conscious individual this a very frightening and seemingly dangerous move to make. The cracking of the shell is equivalent to a confrontation with death. Living in the shell seems to guarantee survival, even if it represents a severe limitation to one’s life. To stay in the shell seems safer than to risk death for freedom and joy. This is not a consciously thought out position.”
– Alexander Lowen.
You’ve found yourself pouring another drink. Your hands shake as your body fills with shame and disappointment. Or, maybe you’re now wincing to the searing pain of a razor blade slowly dragging across your forearm. Over and over. Just enough to watch yourself bleed. You know these actions are wrong, unhealthy, and hurtful, but that doesn’t stop you. If anything, it just makes things worse. Once again, you tell yourself that this will be the last time, but even you know that’s bullshit. You’ll wake up from another embarrassing blackout. Or, you’ll etch another scar like a prisoner who marks passing days on their cell wall. You buy in to the peripheral judgments and unworthy opinions of the ignorant who talk behind your back. They say,
“You’re a loser.”
“You’re an addict.”
“You’re just desperate for attention.”
Truth is, your actions brought you to this point. But these behaviors are purely coping mechanisms to hide pain that lays deeper than you’ve ever known.
Self-destructive behavior or dysregulated behavior is a common trait found in people who are unable to effectively show emotion. The reasons for this inability to express emotions is most often rooted in childhood. Through bullying, abuse, neglect, or guardian figures who discourage emotions, we’re led to suppress our true feelings, for fear of judgment or punishment. The problem is, they never actually disappear, they just hide. A great analogy and natural example for this is the Aspen tree. You can hack away at its limbs, sever its stem and set fire to its saddened stump. The Aspen’s roots will lay dormant beneath the soil for months or even years. Until one day, you walk through your yard and see a tangled mass of youthful Aspen shoots springing up all around. The Aspen has a root network that stretches for many acres. Leaving you with a much bigger problem than you started with. Just like the Aspen, your suppressed emotions lay under the false blanket of comfort that you find in your coping mechanisms.
Coping mechanisms can present themselves as binge eating, chronic avoidance, self-harm, substance abuse, and much more. These mechanisms provide you with a momentary but unhealthy reprieve from hyper-emotive feelings that you may be incapable of confronting. They also provide you with a dose of those “feel-good” neurochemicals like Dopamine, which I write about in my previous post, “Depression in a Bottle.” Inevitably, as we continuously bury our emotions in mass graves of denial and neglect, we reach a critical point where we burst at the seams and break down. And so, the cycle continues. We perpetuate our coping mechanisms because we feel they’re necessary for survival. Moving away from these ingrained behaviors can seem fearful and almost life-threatening.
How do we defeat our self-destructive behaviors and find comfort and familiarity with our true emotions? Like any unhealthy behavior, the first step is to admit you have a problem. Those late-night sugar binges aren’t passive and harmless. The successive razor cuts on your arm look superficial but lay deep in your psyche. And the lineup of empty beer cans on your coffee table are a preview of your failing life, and possibly, liver. You don’t need to reach your “rock-bottom” moment to break these habits. Change and growth are determined by effort and will. If you want something better, find the angle that works best for you. Search out support in people who have suffered the same fate. Confide in them and let them help you. Next, let go of who you think you are. Remember, these behaviors were learned and taught to you at a young age. In a time when you lacked the ability to form your own thoughts, opinions and abilities. That time has passed and you’re now free to shape your own attributes to fit the person that you want to be. Obviously, I’ve oversimplified these steps. It will take a large amount of your time, attention and effort to succeed. You hold the strength to reach this goal, even if it doesn’t feel like it for you right now.
We all instinctually hide from pain. But, is the pain and fear of your emotions worse than the behaviors you engage in to hide them? At this point, it’s your self-destruction that’s slowly tearing your life apart like a child pulls the legs off a bug. If you can confront and understand your emotions, you’ll watch yourself grow and mature. You’ll become a more complete human. You’ll learn empathy, trust and fulfilment. What you hide from is what is holding you back.
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