Just like the word suggests, self-image is the way in which we see ourselves. The downfall with that definition is that we rarely see ourselves in a true light. Like looking in a mirror at a funhouse, we only see a distorted reflection or a twisted recreation of who we think we are. More often than not, our self-image is a pseudo-portrayal and inaccurate representation of how others view us. This can be a detrimental belief for a mind that’s in a state of reparation from mental illness.
The prolonged suffering of anxiety and depression often leave a person with a fragile mind. I don’t mean fragile in a weak sense, but fragile in a sense that your ability to filter and interpret external information has been temporarily compromised. Like you’re trying to learn to trust the world, or life, all over again. It’s almost as if existence itself was the perpetrator of your pain and now you spend your time distrustful, tense and head-shy like an abused animal. With your neck tucked and shoulders raised, you tiptoe softly and quietly as you traverse your life, ensuring that you don’t piss off your master and end up cowering in your bedroom again. You constantly look behind you and scan your environment for perceived threats to your survival, even in the safest of moments. Eventually, you become distracted and detached from the real world and you start to feel like an outsider. It’s at this point that you’ll feel the most sensitive and susceptible to peripheral judgment and categorizing from others.
By the time you’ve realized that you’re amidst a period of anxiety and/or depression, you’ve probably unknowingly been in that state for awhile. You’re tired, irritable, sad, inconsolable, and distant. You’ve been chalking up your bad days to work, or relationships, or whatever, but the image that you project outward has been in descension for some time. This means, that you’ve been consuming your peers’ faulty views of you without knowing that they’re a reflection of your failing mental health. And, as I wrote about in a previous post, to me, anxiety and depression are parasites of the mind. The more you feed them, the larger they grow. If you choose to satiate your character with the opinions of others, which we all do to some extent, then these negative projections will become who you see yourself as. Some may see your silence as you being a boring or unapproachable individual. They might judge your isolation as intended or purposeful antisocial or snobbish behaviour. They might look at your fatigue and unproductiveness as laziness or a lack of effort. And, the list goes on. Point being, the behavioural traits that you exude externally are being judged by outsiders, falsely interpreted solely because they, and possibly you, are unaware of your mental health, and they’re returned back to you as a newly created pieces to your self-image puzzle. It’s nutrient-void fast-food for your mental parasites. Once the last puzzle piece is set in place, you’ve destined yourself to be a fraudulent imposition from your true self. This is where we need to establish boundaries and separation from opinion-based suppositions about who we are.
So, who are you? Obviously, that’s not for me to impose on you. In my last blog post (Bullshit Confidence,) I asked myself the same question. My answer; I’m nobody. If I’m lucky, I’m always evolving and unable to be pinpointed into one single category, definition, or classification. Having said this, if I’m ever evolving, then does any of this matter? This is just a passing opinion of myself at this moment. My point is, if we all wish to continue to grow, why do we inhibit such growth by allowing ourselves to be pigeonholed and caged by categories and labels. Are they not just temporary titles that we can use for comfort and familiarity? It would be more productive to say, “this is me, right now.” But who you think you are should never be tattooed on your forehead in permanence. The shining light in this rant about existentialism, is that you may be anxious or depressed right now, but it doesn’t define who you are. You don’t meet new people by walking up to them and saying, “Hi, I’m depressed,” because it’s not you, it’s your parasite. The key to a healthy self-image is always going be a healthy mind, free from the parasitic feeders that drain you of your “you-ness.”
How do you find your own healthy and positive self-image? I think it’s relatively easy to see that this question is individualistic. And, it would be very pontifical and egotistic for me to claim that I hold the answers to all of your questions. However, there are some foundational values that I found positive and beneficial while I’ve been searching for a healthy self-image of my own. For me, it starts with acceptance.
Accept the cold, hard fact that your past will forever go unchanged. As I’m sure we’ve all seen on so many basic, new-aged social media posts, “your past is a lesson, not a life sentence.” Yes, it sounds generic, and as someone who’s striving to become a more creative and unique writer it pains me to repeat it, but I have to admit, it’s an easily digestible point. In order to move forward with your new life, you must accept that you once had an old life. But, just like everything else in this world, old things eventually die. Recognize the impermanence in everything. As long as you hold the leash, your past will follow. Let it fade. Take your time, say your goodbyes and keep on movin’.
Next up in your self-reflective journey, forgiveness. First and foremost, forgive yourself for your wrongdoings, for your anger, your hatred, your neglect, or for anything that contributed to the state that you’re in right now. Let go of who you were in the past, this is your rebirth. Additionally, this one isn’t easy by any means and can take years to accomplish, learn to forgive the people who caused you any type of pain. Understand that there are underlying reasons why people act selfishly, hurtfully, or disrespectfully. And know that sometimes their reasons for acting that way could possibly be you and the way you acted towards them. For every action there is a reaction. It’s hard to admit, but yes, sometimes shit is your fault! It’s not the conclusion in every case but it’s something to reflect upon. Moving forward, come to realize that the pain and hatred you harbour is only rotting your own insides and feeding your greedy parasites.
Finally, build to grow. Build your confidence. Do the things you hate doing. Ask yourself, “do I hate this, or am I just afraid of it?” Be aware of your ego when you try new things. Is a fear of judgement holding you back? Shut up for awhile and just listen. Just because your ego tells you that you’re older or more experienced, doesn’t mean that people don’t have valuable lessons to teach you (maybe it’s just me.) Understand that in order to be good at something, first you have to suck at it. Don’t be afraid to start at the bottom. Your climb to the top will be much more rewarding when you eventually reach it. Next, take your newfound confidence and test the world. Stand tall and firm and let it know that you won’t back down anymore.
As you reach your new heights, be proud but be humble. Anxiety and depression are motherfuckers, never downplay their power. But at the same time, recognize the fact that you’ve made it this far through shear, teeth-clenching strength. Your parasites have dropped you to your knees on many occasions, yet you still rise. You’ve been pushed to your edge with little traction, but you still push back. See the storm-battered triumph and fire-hardened courage in yourself and what you’ve been through. You’re stronger than you think.
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