How much time will you spend living someone else's version of you? Who you think "you" are is different from what others perceive you to be. Maybe you see yourself as high-powered businessman. You walk tall and feel important. You throw your wealth around to impress and incite jealousy. One day, you run into an old acquaintance. Someone you haven't seen in many years. You see them approach and are eager to impress, to show off what you've become. You saunter up in an expensive suit and over-priced haircut. As you meet, the first memory that comes to his mind is, " Dude, remember that time you got so wasted you pissed yourself at that party?" Instantly you've been demoted from the upper echelons of society that you perch yourself upon. Now, the ill-thought out remarks of a stranger from your past are hardly something you should take personally. You’ve come a long way since that party and you’re a completely different human. The point is, this person’s perception of you is forever tied to the last impression you made in his presence. His version of you doesn’t get to wear expensive clothes or drive classy cars. His version of you is still the piss-soaked party boy running out of the house with your hands on your crotch while partygoers point and laugh. This is the costume that he forces you to wear in his mind. Each label that is attached to you is an identity that is created by you or the people around you. So, which identity is correct?
Ideally, we all have the ability to be forever evolving creatures. We experience growth daily, through many avenues such as loss, grief, victory, and of course, failure. Which means, the person you were yesterday is not the same person that you are today. In a world saturated by social media and advertising, this seems like an overused concept that you might find in hastily thought-out Instagram post. But maybe you should take a bit more time on this philosophy. Stagnation is the path to unhappiness. Is a life without challenge really a life at all? You can take examples from Taoism, which states that without pain there is no pleasure. In fact, they’re one in the same. Or, you can look to Joseph Campbell’s work on the “monomyth,” or “Hero’s Journey.” His work points out that many of our great literary tales follow a similar trajectory. An ordinary person, living in mediocrity or the status quo, and often yearning for a better life, leaves relative comfort and heeds a call to adventure. Along the way, our hero must rise and uncover their strength and power to defeat a seemingly insurmountable foe. A death and subsequent rebirth occurs, transforming the hero into a new person. They return home, realizing that this power, this ability to become great, was inside of them the whole time but was only presented through pain, discomfort and confronting fear.
My fears ruled my life for a long time. I made too many subconscious decisions purely through muscle memory and my ego’s desperate need to survive. I kept myself in a fabricated comfort, so I didn’t have to do the hard work and confront my shitty attributes. Throughout my battle with anxiety and depression, not only was I able to reinforce the negative opinions that people had about me (some true, some false), but I was also extremely proficient in creating my own opinions about myself. I dangerously donned the costumes that my peers handed me and played the part of whatever character they saw me as. I was the selfish prick, the useless drunk and the emotionless robot who lacked empathy. To a degree, these costumes were accurate. They hung in my closet and I absolutely wore them from time to time. I acted in my own best interests, drowned my sorrows, lied, and stayed closed-off to those around me. Whether I was a piece of shit with underlying good qualities, or a good person with some shitty qualities, is probably still up for debate by some. But the more I learned about my mental health disorders, the more I understood that my actions were a survival mechanism, rather than who I actually was.
Now, don't get me wrong, this is not a cop-out or a justification for my actions. I take full responsibility for my past indiscretions. I brought myself to this point by neglecting my mental health in various ways. But, what I realize now, is that my past will always be my past. It's set in stone, no matter how hard I try to run away from it. At the same time, I understand that my past does not define who I am today, or any day in the future. Those costumes that I wore to survive a life that wasn't mine, have been given to goodwill. They were meant for dress-up, not everyday attire. And, like most clothing, I've outgrown them.
So, how do you find the right clothes to fit you? Well, first of all, remember that no matter what you do, you’re human. You will make mistakes. People will always form opinions of you through snap judgments, first impressions and lack of data. And if you decide to buy into these opinions, you’ll have more costumes than a Pride Parade. The key is to understand that, unless you live in some form of Socrates’, Allegory of the Cave, wherein all you know of life are the same shadows dancing on a cave wall, you are not a static being. Each day, you have new experiences that shape you and spark your senses. And with an open mind, you will forever and involuntarily evolve in the same manner that your heart beats and your lungs breath.
Next, cast away your judgments, your tightly held opinions, and staunch beliefs. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t believe in anything. But, in a world so saturated with tribalism, media and opinion-based reporting, you better form a good bullshit filter. Even these words you read right now. They’ve been created by my reality and my personal experiences. I don’t believe that everything I say or write down to be the indisputable truth. These are just the eyes I see with, currently.
Lastly, when trying on your new clothes, always leave extra room for growth. Answer the call to adventure and new beginnings. Know that your strength and versatility are inside of you at all times, but they won’t be found while watching Netflix or at the bottom of a bottle. The only way to reach your true potential is through your metaphorical death and rebirth. It’s guaranteed that your old brain will create a thousand excuses as to why you should stay in bed or not lace up your running shoes. Understand that this is just fear of change and of the unknown. It will pass as you strengthen your mind. The blanketed, mountain fog will clear and you will realize that failure is just a stepping-stone on trail to greater heights.