The etymology of the word “grief” roots itself in Latin language. “Gravare” means “to burden, load, or oppress.” Grief is the product of attachment and impermanence. We’re all prepared to love, but not many of us are prepared to lose. Grief is like having the blankets ripped off of you on a cold winter morning. Your warm, soft bed now feels like an autopsy table in a morgue. Love and connection are some of our greatest joys in life. They makes us feel safe, comfortable and accepted. Unfortunately, not even the riches and accomplishments of your wildest desires are impervious to loss and grief. In reality, you’re gonna die, your spouse might leave you, and you’ll lose the things that are most important to you. It’s inevitable with time. And, maybe that’s where you’re at right now. If so, you’re experiencing grief to some extent.
Grief signifies a momentous change in your life. It’s your brain’s response to losing someone or something important and cherished. This could be the death of a family member, friend or the end of a long-term relationship. That person you were accustomed and deeply connected to is no longer within reach. You ruminate and reminisce, wishing you had one more chance to talk to or see them. They visit you in your dreams and everything reminds you of them. At this time, your brain is going through a neurochemical transformation to support this sudden change in your life. Your Dopamine and Serotonin levels are in deficit. When this grief drags on for too long, your brain balance gets out of whack and you tilt too far to the side of loss and sadness. These feelings begin to grow and eventually, depression can set in.
Letting go can feel like an insurmountable task. Sometimes you feel that memories or possessions are the last links attaching you to a loved one. It can be an extremely halting feeling when all you have left are memories of someone that you’ve been deeply connected to for a long time. Should you keep those memories or let them fade into the past? You might feel like you’re betraying that person by moving on or maybe that life was better with them present, so now you must hold onto what little there is left of them. But deep down, your present life was shaped by that person before they were even gone. They taught you valuable lessons and imparted their own knowledge on you. They showed you life through a different set of eyes. Being close to these people facilitated the release of Oxytocin, known as the “Love Hormone,” in your brain, each time you interacted with them, literally showing and teaching you what love really is. Oxytocin has been shown to decrease Cortisol levels and reduce activity in the Amygdala, resulting in the lessening of stress symptoms.
The stories you tell, the lessons you learned, the person you are today, good or bad, has been partially shaped by the people that you’ve lost. You carry this with you, whether you’re aware of it or not. You never truly let these people go, but you should sit at the conveyor belt in your brain and chose which attributes to keep and which to throw away. Take a look from the outside in and recognize that your grief and loss are only temporary. Fulfill your grieving period but don’t believe that you’re going to heal without conscious effort.
Grief as we know it now, comes in five stages. First comes denial. Your brain can’t, and doesn’t want to, believe that person or thing has been subtracted from your life. Like a bout of sleep paralysis, grief leaves you wondering if you’re awake or in a shitty dream. You see the mirage of a loved one, or hear their voice, even though they are no longer with you. The reminders are constant and unrelenting. And, whether they’re alive or dead, the thought of them haunts you at very move. Although this stage of grief may sound unproductive in the long run, it’s your brain’s coping mechanism to soften the blow of your loss. Remember, there are 5 stages to your grieving period, and even though you feel overwhelmed, your brain has a plan, I promise. Bearing the brunt of a loss head-on, right out of the gates, isn’t necessarily a smart idea if your mental strength has been compromised. Remember the resiliency of the human brain, though. Without pain, there is no pleasure. Your denial will pass when you’re ready to progress forward. From here on is where the hardest, but most important lessons are to be learned.
After denial comes anger. You’re angry at almost everything. Angry at the person for leaving you, angry at yourself for not doing enough while they were around, angry at your shower for not being hot enough, angry at the thorn bush that keeps catching your jacket as your try to get into your car (fuck you, thorn bush). You place blame on yourself, which can be accurate, but every relationship has two points of view, or two personal realities. This self-blame often leads to guilt, causing your self-image to suffer. You now see yourself as unworthy, inept, or selfish. These feelings, along with your anger, can lead to isolation. You push people away while that empty room of sadness that you sulk in, becomes smaller and smaller. As walls close in, and there’s no escape to be seen, you’ll do anything to go back to the way things were. Be cognizant of your emotions. Why are you angry? Is it justified? Can you change it? If so, how? These are all questions you should be asking yourself when you feel angry. Feel like punching a wall? Ask yourself where that action is going to bring you. Maybe some temporarily relief from anger, but more likely, a sore hand and lost money and time when you have to repair the hole you punched in your own home. Use that energy for something positive. Go exercise, punch a heavy bag instead of sheetrock. You’ll release that pent-up frustration. And, instead of feeling like an idiot while you mud and tape that shameful hole in your wall, you’ll be adding to your mental and physical health. Endorphins, dopamine and serotonin will surge through your body and you’ll feel unstoppable. I wouldn’t recommend doing push-ups at the gym while crying tears of rage, but hey, whatever works for you. Be aware of your anger before you decide to act it out. Now, on to step three, bargaining.
“Please come back, I’ll do anything. I’ve changed, I promise.”
Sound familiar? It does to me. Bargaining is your last-ditch effort to bring back the familiarity and comfort that you were so accustom to. The word “desperate” comes to mind. When I hit this stage of grief, I played the sad puppy dog who got caught eating a whole ham off the kitchen counter. I know that I fucked up, but that wasn’t the first ham. So, instead of listening, learning and changing, I was throwing out a confetti of sorries and empty promises. Whether you blame yourself or someone else, it doesn’t matter. Bargaining doesn’t work to bring people back. Your promise platter is poison. Your flavourless remorse and tainted texts of, “I’ll change, I promise,” are a waste of everybody’s time. That person that you shared a connection with is gone, and now it’s time for part of you to die. Sounds morbid, right? Well you’re only on Stage 2, so be prepared for letdowns. It’s all part of the process and things are gonna be okay. Get your rest and forge ahead because Stage 3 will require all of your strength.
While you traverse your way through the bargaining stage and accumulate feelings of unworthiness, ineptitude, and so on, you may find yourself descending into a less than graceful slide into Stage 4, depression. This will be the most challenging test of your strength and fortitude. But, if all went well through the anger stage, then you’re exercising like a young Schwarzenegger on an ounce of cocaine (it’s hyperbole, don’t do that shit!) You’re already receiving a healthy dose of feel-good neurochemicals, and you’re too sore and exhausted to care about being angry anymore.
Yeah, you’ve put in some work, but grief isn’t done with you yet. View depression as you might view a visit to a drunk, slightly racist uncle. He’s old and set in his ways, but he’s misinformed, short-sighted, and at the end of the day, he’s family. Sometimes, he teaches you valuable lessons, (hopefully, how to not act) but you want to get out of that reunion as soon as possible. An extended stay at Uncle Racist’s house can move you from grief related depression to a full-on depressive disorder (I wish I had known that before.) Prepare yourself for unexplainable bouts of sadness, lack of desire to do pretty much anything, and a whole lot of self-loathing. Take the lessons that depression gives you (there’s a lot, trust me), strengthen your resiliency and get the fuck out. Move on down to step five, acceptance.
Acceptance. Sounds easy, right? You accept what happened and you move on. I hope that happens for you, but first, let me shit on your acceptance cake. Acceptance can be a long process, taking years in some cases. Reaching a state of acceptance means transitioning from the past to the present and moving forward while being aware that your loss is permanent. That means, no more late-night texts to your ex, “U up?” Being the final stage of grief, this will be where you see the most change in your behaviour. You must take an active approach to search out the things in life that make you happy and to cultivate them. You’ve already watched every season of The Office twenty times. Turn off Netflix, grab a much-needed shower and go see what new and exciting things the world has to offer since you’ve been holed up in your house of sadness like the fucking Unabomber. Find new hobbies, friendships, and goals. Find acceptance in gratitude. Be grateful that you got to spend time with that person that you lost, instead of feeling miserable because you lost them.
And so, you’ve made it. The five stages of grief, daunting but conquerable. If you find yourself in any of these stages, remember to breathe, step back and take a moment to understand that you’re not the first, nor the last, to make it to the other side of grief. People have been experiencing, supporting others and telling their own stories to make the journey just a little bit easier for the next person for a long time. Be present and aware that your feelings are all apart of the process created by your brain to eventually build you back up, stronger and more confident of yourself than you’ve ever been. Remember that you have to bleed before you heal. You have to be familiar with loss and grief before you can appreciate what you have. And, what you lost is just a small part when compared to what you’ll gain as your transformation reaches completion.