Is it possible to find growth in an unforgiving environment? Some people, including me, believe it’s the only way to grow. Comfort breeds complacency and stagnation. Suffering motivates us to tower over the difficult situations that we find ourselves in. Our lowest lows are an opportunity to create our biggest gains. Every human has a buried resiliency, an untapped power, that can compel us to demand the best versions or ourselves. This resiliency isn’t found easily. We all come to this conclusion at different times and through different experiences.
A mushroom grows best in darkness and shit. This is a metaphor for a period that a lot of you will, or already have, experienced at some point in your lives. Living with anxiety and depression can be merciless. And, the longer these pathogenic pirates occupy your brain and body, the more you become them. As you bemoaningly open your eyes each morning, you make a choice. You can lay and rot, or you can start your day by pawing through a blanket of cold, black soil and a layer of digested and defaecated dreams and aspirations. Both options bring pain, but only the latter brings growth. The level of suffering attributed to chronic anxiety and depression is clearly unwanted and unsustainable. But, what you don’t know yet is that this might be exactly where you need to be.
Your ability to envision and embrace this outlook will be dependant upon what stage you’re at in your mental health development. When you’re deep into a life that’s obscured by anxiety and depression, having someone tell you to “try harder, embrace failure” or, “see things differently,” isn’t always helpful. In fact, it can make things worse. And, if you’ve kept up with my previous posts, then you’ll remember that sustained periods of stress, anxiety and depression have a negative effect on the brain. Important messages are lost while neurons misfire, and your ability to troubleshoot your problems is compromised as certain parts of your brain become inactive. If you feel disconnected from my choice of words, this could be an indication that you’re at a stage of healing rather than a stage of growth. Trust me, all of the motivation and confidence that I write with was completely non-existent two years ago. Having someone tell me that, “it’s all in your head,” whether true or false, just pissed me off and made me feel even more stupid and useless. For some, my words can come off as presumptuous, narrow, or even insensitive, to a degree. If this is the thought you have while reading my posts, it means that there’s still more work to do, for you, and for me. For you, it means trusting that your strength and abilities will return one day and to stay the course, even though your failures seem insurmountable. For me, it means I have to remember where I came from and to remember that all of my words affect people differently.
The pain you are enduring right now is your brain fighting back, just like your immune system fights a virus with a fever. When you eventually gain the strength to stand up straight, you’ll begin to understand that the unrelenting discomfort attributed with your illnesses is a prelude and auxiliary to something called Post-Traumatic Growth.
Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG), is a term coined by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun. It’s defined as, “positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity and other challenges in order to rise to a higher level of functioning.” PTG is a revelatory understanding that the intense pain that you’ve endured in your past has been a direct benefit to your personal growth in your present. It’s the blazing fire and continuous beating a piece of steel endures to become a Samurai sword.
Stoic Philosopher, Marcus Aurelius wrote, “What stands in the way becomes the way.” The trauma that you survive now will become added muscle and armour later.
My anxiety and depression, or better yet, my actions and inactions that led to and kept me in a state of anxiety and depression, happily dragged me back to “square one.” Mentally, physically, socially, and financially, I've been forced to reinvent and re-educate myself through a painful rebirth. I’ve been confronted with a forceful choice to either remain frozen in an existence unworthy of calling a life. Or, I can outgrow the amniotic fluid of self-disdain that slowly drowns me and escape the womb that is my comfort zone. This is where I now reside. Half-birthed but kicking and screaming like a feral goat; Square Two.
What is Square Two? Square Two is the realization that you’re not the piece of shit that your brain and certain parts of your environment had you convinced you were. You’re not stupid, unworthy, a burden, useless, or better off dead. You’re sick. And, every sickness needs a treatment. My best treatment for suffering? More suffering. Fight fire with fire. My biggest breakthroughs have come exclusively in the moments after I’ve felt my weakest and most vulnerable. Running in the rain at 5am, or painfully smiling through another round of exercises with lungs burning, nausea from over-exertion, and muscles that shake like a loose tire. And, even overcoming my fear of judgment by posting these personal stories. By forcing myself to do the things I don’t want to do, I know that pain builds resiliency, and resiliency leads to growth. Part of me thrives on this suffering because I believe that the alternative is the antithesis of life.
Wherever you’re at in you’re journey towards better mental health, remember that a tiger in a cage is still a tiger. The power it beholds and the fear that it induces isn’t dictated by it’s confines or captivity. A tiger is caged because its true strength is known and revered. You are that tiger. The harder you bite and claw at those bars, the more rewarding your eventual freedom will be.
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